Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 29

Thread: When Sorry Becomes A Sorry Word

  1. #1
    Senior Member Jenci's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    1,609
    Thanks
    4,509
    Thanked 3,469 Times in 1,294 Posts

    When Sorry Becomes A Sorry Word

    I’m sorry.

    These two words when spoken sincerely and unconditionally they can quite literally move mountains. In their wake, blockages can shift and long held feelings can evaporate instantly and space is made for relationships to flourish and healing to happen with both parties.

    It’s rare that “I’m sorry” is said like that though. Just as two words, then full stop, period, end of sentence.

    More often it is said as “I’m sorry but.....”

    The ‘but’ precedes the justifications of why what was done was done in the first place. In effect it negates the apology. The “I’m sorry” is not being given sincerely rather it is a denial of responsibility and it doesn’t have the healing effect that the “I’m sorry” has which is not followed by ‘but’.

    People have such a hard time with these two words and you can observe some strange behaviour around them. Very often too, the apology is given on the condition that it is not accepted. “Thank you for your apology” can be met with a shocked look of disbelief.

    People are more used to a response like “oh you don’t need to apologise” and are comforted by that, just as the recipient of the apology is relieved of their awkwardness in receiving the apology. There is no true healing in this for either parties and it just becomes an avoidance of the real issue.

    This came to mind this morning when I read someone who wrote “I’m sorry but.....” and then went on to tell the other person what they thought of them. It’s like the “I’m sorry” is the spoonful of sugar which should make the medicine go down. You would think that people would see through this more often but it really is quite common but people who use the “I’m sorry but” words are doing it automatically rather than with any sincerity.

    It’s not just humans, I had a dog who used to do this. She would cower down, give me a guilty look just before she barked. It was like she way saying “I’m sorry but I am just going to have to bark” :lol:

  2. The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to Jenci For This Useful Post:

    8t88 (06-05-2013),9eagle9 (06-05-2013),Adam Bomm (07-07-2013),Augmented Ape (06-06-2013),followthebubbles (06-05-2013),HURRITT ENYETO (06-07-2013),Reaver (06-05-2013)

  3. #2
    Retired Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    Location
    Canada
    Posts
    306
    Thanks
    597
    Thanked 603 Times in 246 Posts

    Re: When Sorry Becomes A Sorry Word

    Quote Originally Posted by Jenci View Post
    “Thank you for your apology”
    Awesome thread! It is true that for some reason an acceptance of the apology, or should I say recognition of the apology seems to mean that the problem is resolved, not so but the acceptance to the two words at least levels the field and healing can begin to the outrage that started it. Thank you also two powerful words.

    I'm sorry. Said with conviction and looking that other person in the eyes to show that it is meant from the soul. No platitudes allowed. I'm sorry means that I am human and repent crossing the line. I'm sorry means learning. I'm sorry overcomes their mind by relinquishing control. It lays bare the respect to the bond that is not wished broken.

  4. The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to followthebubbles For This Useful Post:

    9eagle9 (06-05-2013),Augmented Ape (06-06-2013),HURRITT ENYETO (06-07-2013),Jenci (06-06-2013),Reaver (06-05-2013)

  5. #3
    Senior Member Awall's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Location
    USA
    Posts
    61
    Thanks
    81
    Thanked 171 Times in 54 Posts

    Re: When Sorry Becomes A Sorry Word

    I hardly ever say I 'm sorry. It is two of my least favorite words. I'm not the type to go around treading on people, so mostly when I do something, I do it intentionally and I don't feel the need to apologize for things I purposely do. I apologize when accidents happen and sometimes I apologize when somebody misunderstands things that I say. I might say I am sorry you misunderstood, its not how I meant it, but I don't always. I can just as easily say that's not how I meant it without the apology.

    People drive me crazy that apologize for everything. You know, those people that show up on time and still apologize for being late. They are always saying they are sorry like "I know nothing I do is good enough." I also have a hard time of hearing people say they are sorry when someone dies or sorry for something they have no control over. I want to say, "Why are you sorry, did you have something to do with it?"

    Apologies are necessary sometimes, and a real apology when circumstances call for it can be very healing, but I think "I'm sorry" for the most part is fake, like fake compassion or fake humility, and mostly its a habit or something you were taught you should do for politeness. "I"m sorry but" is like putting up a defense before you even begin to make your argument. People do the same thing when they tell you they are having a bad day as a way of getting you to lighten up on them before the conversation even begins. You have to wonder when the I'm sorry and I'm having a bad day becomes chronic and you find yourself waiting to hear it because you know its coming like with the people that are chronically late, chronically having a bad day and chronically apologizing for it...pffft... Most of the apologies I hear make me want to do this...

  6. The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to Awall For This Useful Post:

    Augmented Ape (06-06-2013),followthebubbles (06-05-2013),Jenci (06-06-2013),Reaver (06-05-2013)

  7. #4
    Retired Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    Location
    Canada
    Posts
    306
    Thanks
    597
    Thanked 603 Times in 246 Posts

    Re: When Sorry Becomes A Sorry Word

    A true apology doesn't negate the reason for it or the problem for that matter. I would think "I'm sorry" identifies to the other person that you hear that they are upset/angry/fill in the blank and that you are accepting responsibility for causing it, if necessary. People need to be heard. I do agree that those words are overused, so when I say them, I mean them. Not followed by a but. I don't usually go around making people angry and then apologizing for it, but if my thoughtless actions have caused upset, then I do owe them the identification for their feelings. "I'm sorry" is an identifier for me not a platitude or a negation.

    I'm sorry you are saddened by_____, is there anything I can do to help? This reflects empathy for me, as long as it doesn't fall into victimization or vampire-ism.

    I am not perfect and stumble frequently. I hope that I take responsibility for misdeeds as I would like those to do the same to me. I wish I could be more like you Awall, and perhaps tread less heavily on others, sadly there is always room for improvement in that vein for me.

  8. The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to followthebubbles For This Useful Post:

    Augmented Ape (06-06-2013),Awall (06-06-2013),Jenci (06-06-2013),Reaver (06-06-2013)

  9. #5
    Senior Member sjkted's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Posts
    657
    Thanks
    236
    Thanked 914 Times in 408 Posts

    Re: When Sorry Becomes A Sorry Word

    Haha. You Brits are so polite even when you are cross. I don't think "I'm sorry but..." would come out of the mouth of an American very often.

    --sjkted

  10. The Following User Says Thank You to sjkted For This Useful Post:

    Jenci (06-06-2013)

  11. #6
    Senior Member Awall's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Location
    USA
    Posts
    61
    Thanks
    81
    Thanked 171 Times in 54 Posts

    Re: When Sorry Becomes A Sorry Word

    I only apologize when I really mean it too Bubbles, so you may be more like me than you think. I find that apologizing is rarely necessary. There are many ways to tell and show people that you care without apologizing. When I was growing up, we were taught that family members never need to apologize to each other. We did apologize at times anyway and the response was always it is really not necessary. It wasn't necessary because of the unconditional acceptance that we had for each other and because we really did care about each other amends were made in some form or other that showed that.

    I have two children and they say the same thing about family members never really needing to apologize and I didn't try to instill that in them, it was just something they figured out on their own. My children are best friends, fortunately, but they do have disagreements. The interesting thing is that when I hear them arguing, underneath all the name calling and the "you are so stupid", what I really hear them saying is "I care about you." That is what I normally hear underneath people's anger, but you have to listen carefully to hear it. I think that authentic anger comes from a place of great caring. It also helps not to take things personally. As Jenci said, and I agreed, there are times when apologies are highly appropriate, but their overuse not only makes them ineffective, it is a sign of something else that is not authentic at all.

    There is a trait of narcissism or arrogance that keeps some people from needing to feel like they should ever apologize, but that is not what I am referring to here. There are some who don't mind treading on people and have no regrets about it. They don't make amends unless it benefits them in some way. They will, however, use the words "I'm sorry" because they have learned that those words can further their agenda without them having to suffer any repercussion or consequences.

  12. The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to Awall For This Useful Post:

    Augmented Ape (06-06-2013),followthebubbles (06-06-2013),Jenci (06-06-2013),Reaver (06-06-2013)

  13. #7
    Senior Member Jenci's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    1,609
    Thanks
    4,509
    Thanked 3,469 Times in 1,294 Posts

    Re: When Sorry Becomes A Sorry Word

    Quote Originally Posted by Awall View Post
    I hardly ever say I 'm sorry. It is two of my least favorite words. I'm not the type to go around treading on people, so mostly when I do something, I do it intentionally and I don't feel the need to apologize for things I purposely do. I apologize when accidents happen and sometimes I apologize when somebody misunderstands things that I say. I might say I am sorry you misunderstood, its not how I meant it, but I don't always. I can just as easily say that's not how I meant it without the apology.

    People drive me crazy that apologize for everything. You know, those people that show up on time and still apologize for being late. They are always saying they are sorry like "I know nothing I do is good enough." I also have a hard time of hearing people say they are sorry when someone dies or sorry for something they have no control over. I want to say, "Why are you sorry, did you have something to do with it?"

    Apologies are necessary sometimes, and a real apology when circumstances call for it can be very healing, but I think "I'm sorry" for the most part is fake, like fake compassion or fake humility, and mostly its a habit or something you were taught you should do for politeness. "I"m sorry but" is like putting up a defense before you even begin to make your argument. People do the same thing when they tell you they are having a bad day as a way of getting you to lighten up on them before the conversation even begins. You have to wonder when the I'm sorry and I'm having a bad day becomes chronic and you find yourself waiting to hear it because you know its coming like with the people that are chronically late, chronically having a bad day and chronically apologizing for it...pffft... Most of the apologies I hear make me want to do this...
    I used to apologise a lot. When people got annoyed with me I assumed that I had to do something to put that right, even though very often I knew that I had done nothing wrong. I just used to find the situation, where they were angry at me or their mood had changed, intolerable and apologising was the only way I thought I could fix it. It became one of those chronic habits and the problem with behaving like that with other people is that they learn that you will apologise over and over, so they will withhold forgiveness until they have had their quota of apologies so that they feel better too.

    It was a horrible mindset and cycle to be in. I have since learned that people's moods change when they emotionally react to a trigger. I would have no idea what their trigger was but I can see now why I was stuck so often thinking... WTF...why has Mr Nice just turned into Mr Angry?

    The only thing I ever have the opportunity to fix is myself and I have had to learn what emotions are unresolved in me which have driven me to be over apologetic. I've also had to learn how to apologise properly; which is sincerely without attachment to the outcome because if I need forgiveness, then it is not an unconditional apology and I am still dependent on another person for my well-being.

  14. The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to Jenci For This Useful Post:

    Augmented Ape (06-06-2013),Awall (06-06-2013),followthebubbles (06-06-2013),Reaver (06-06-2013)

  15. #8
    Retired Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    Location
    Canada
    Posts
    306
    Thanks
    597
    Thanked 603 Times in 246 Posts

    Re: When Sorry Becomes A Sorry Word

    Quote Originally Posted by Awall View Post
    authentic anger comes from a place of great caring
    It took me a while to wrap my head around this one but I think I got there. If I didn't care about the bond I would walk away and let it dissolve. And that anger doesn't have to be fireball lobbing hatred, but a disagreement of sort. But still within families there should be a degree of respect for one another or it becomes the stand off. Just b/c we're family doesn't mean that you can slag off on one another. What we learn at home at our parents knee becomes superimposed on how we handle life. Teach the children well. My mother apologized for nothing, she was always right. When it was pointed out that she was way over the line, I remember the pinched face and the silence. She was going to admit nothing. It took a long time for me to learn to apologize in my life but it meant unlearning those excruciatingly bad habits of disrespect. Still not quite there .

    And yes it was the narcissism and arrogance that I would be referring to as well. Some individuals are just too big to admit maybe they were out of line.

    I'm enjoying this thread for the talk about the simple kind of human interaction. Sometimes we can make life so complicated. Thanks Jenci.

  16. The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to followthebubbles For This Useful Post:

    Augmented Ape (06-06-2013),Awall (06-06-2013),Jenci (06-09-2013),Reaver (06-06-2013)

  17. #9
    Retired Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    Location
    Canada
    Posts
    306
    Thanks
    597
    Thanked 603 Times in 246 Posts

    Re: When Sorry Becomes A Sorry Word

    Quote Originally Posted by Jenci View Post
    I've also had to learn how to apologise properly; which is sincerely without attachment to the outcome because if I need forgiveness, then it is not an unconditional apology and I am still dependent on another person for my well-being.
    In deed! When you think you can take forgiveness then the conditions apply. You can apologize but you may not be forgiven. If that is expected then the act is without sincerity. Forgiveness may be delayed until the other comes to that place. (Hopefully not to punish the other).

    The control of one's emotions is a learned experience that goes on for a lifetime. I remember in a younger time asking a wiser friend why this other person we both knew was so angry all the time. Her response knocked me on my ass and made me realize that I am not the sun. She told me that the reason she looks angry may be b/c she is giving herself **** for something she messed up, that without verbalization and interaction with me, this expression could be for her own personal turmoil. Wow people have thoughts and lives that don't include me, earth shattering. That was over 30 years ago and I can still hear her tell me this like it was yesterday. Things I can not control.

  18. The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to followthebubbles For This Useful Post:

    Augmented Ape (06-06-2013),Awall (06-06-2013),Jenci (06-09-2013),Reaver (06-06-2013)

  19. #10
    Member Augmented Ape's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2013
    Location
    Europe
    Posts
    37
    Thanks
    181
    Thanked 88 Times in 36 Posts

    Re: When Sorry Becomes A Sorry Word

    Well its also a tool of passive aggressives, to project guilt.

    But I am sorry (!) I am not here enough, its a very unique place indeed, I know of nowhere else with such Femme Savants.

    Deep respect !

  20. The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Augmented Ape For This Useful Post:

    8t88 (06-06-2013),Adam Bomm (07-07-2013),Jenci (06-09-2013)

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •